Hello blog

Well, here I am again, after a prolonged absence, I return here with sadness in my heart and the weight of the world pressing down on me.

If any occasional reader should stumble across my words, I will explain; my husband of 46years passed away in April. I am finding this hard to come to terms with and grief is making me ill.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, hoping for some sort of cathartic miracle to lift my spirit, but it won’t come. I know I will have to continue to fight the brain fog and the feeling of wading through treacle for some time to come.

“It’s early days” is what people say when I tell them how bad I feel. I know this is true, but his absence is like a deep chasm that I am in danger of falling into.

I don’t want to be the grieving widow who can’t accept that their other half has gone forever and becomes a martyr to his memory. I need to survive and eventually thrive; it is what he would wish and expect of me.

The idea of being “I” instead of “we” is a difficult prospect. Being an only parent to my adult children, whose grief at the loss of their father is painful to me. To fulfill the role of Grandad as well as Grandma, to keep my man alive to the young children who have been deprived of his presence, feels like too big a challenge.

I try not to keep replaying the day that he passed in my mind, or the weeks before, when the simple act of breathing was becoming so difficult for him and the efforts of his diseased lungs inadequate. I realise now that he hid a lot of his discomfort from me. I wasn’t prepared or even aware that his life’s journey was going to come to an end so soon.

The funeral was a memorable day, the church was full to overflowing, my husband was a well loved and well known man to whom so many people wished to pay their respects. I think everyone agreed that we gave him a good send off. My eldest daughter read a poem, my son sang a song and I wrote the eulogy (which the vicar read out for me) so there was plenty of personal input to the farewell service. Some people refer to funerals as a celebration of a person’s life, but I can’t think of it like that. For me it is the day when you have to say the last goodbye to the mortal remains of a loved one and I can’t connect the word “celebrate” with that. Their spirit after all has already gone before. On this occasion, a full four weeks before, this is the time we had to wait.

I think I’ve said enough here for now, maybe I will write more about my thoughts and feelings another day.

Adios for now my old friend, “blog”

Mini rant

Why does everything have to be so complicated 😕

I have been trying to get a ” covid pass” today, from the NHS App to cover a visit I will be making this weekend.

The stupid thing has issued one that is only valid until 11.36am on Friday, which is useless to me.

I have been trying to get help with this and apparently this happens when you haven’t fully verified yourself. So I go back to try to do that and it won’t let me, says if I don’t see a particular message (which I don’t ) then I’m already verified.

Oh lord give me strength and patience, my head is about to explode! This is making what should be a pleasant event into a stressful thing.

I’m done in with this carry on and I won’t be able to attend/go on my trip without the sodding pass.

Apart from having had Covid illness last year, I’ve had two jabs and a booster.

Rant over,

if you read it – all I can say is you were warned (in the title of this post) and thanks for humouring me.

Tree update

Well, I’m not a very dedicated tree watch reporter am I? I promise you that I have watched the tree develop its leaves and all

it ‘s summer splendour, but I didn’t take photos until this week and here they are, my tree taking up it’s Autumn pose, scattering seed and leaves at its feet and under mine.






					

A tree near me (catch up)

I took photos on February 14th and again on 12 March. I don’t see much happening yet, maybe there will be more signs of spring growth in April.

February 14th 2021
February 14th 2021
February 14th 2021
March 12th 2021 my tree centre with it’s companions
March 12th 2021 still not much sign of spring
March 12th 2021

Poor man, Poor World

Poor man, Poor world

Absence of health
Absence of wealth
No one around
Alone – by himself

Absence of work
Absence of learning
No comfort at all
Either freezing or burning

Absence of food
Absence of drink
Its hard to survive
It’s hard to think

Absence of contact
Absence of freedom
These problems are real
Nobody sees them

Absence of sunshine
Absence of air
All plants and trees
no longer there

Absence of animals Insects and birds
Absence of all that is good in the world
Hoping for something
Spiritual seeking
The world holds its breath
Its life blood leaking

Absence of peace
Absence of feeling
Absence of hope
Means no chance of healing

January 2021 MSS. I wrote this poem as a response to a given theme “Poverty”

Covid Positive

Dear ….. You have tested positive for Covid 19, don’t worry, you need to self isolate for 10days after the symptoms started….etc

Dear Covid app’ I have been ill for weeks and can only estimate a date when more/new symptoms could have been the start of Covid 19. However I’ve done as you asked and more by isolating from the date of the test and I have taken the antibiotics & steroids that the Asthma nurse prescribed (No chance of seeing/speaking with a Doctor)

I’m still feeling ill, (although somewhat improved) what do you suggest?

Ps I’m starting to worry…